Jennifer P. Schneider and Ron Corn
A chapter from the recently published reference book, Understand Yourself, Understand Your Partner: The Essential Enneagram Guide to a Better Relationship.
Our only problem is probably that we are both dominating and both always know better. Oscar knows the only perfect or right way, and I feel that my studies and experience tell me to do it my way. We both feel, however, that we are matched really well. The great thing about our relationship is the space we’re able to give each other so we can each pursue our interests. Our interests are often in the same areas, but we do like to do what we do alone, whether in the same room, or nearby. We don’t bother each other with too much neediness and needing assurance etc. That works great. We really love and trust each other and love to be together -- we can be together all day, actually -- but we don’t need the constant interaction.
- Stephanie, a young Observer
married to a Perfectionist
Our only problem is probably that we are both dominating and both always know better. Oscar knows the only perfect or right way, and I feel that my studies and experience tell me to do it my way. We both feel, however, that we are matched really well. The great thing about our relationship is the space we’re able to give each other so we can each pursue our interests. Our interests are often in the same areas, but we do like to do what we do alone, whether in the same room, or nearby. We don’t bother each other with too much neediness and needing assurance etc. That works great. We really love and trust each other and love to be together -- we can be together all day, actually -- but we don’t need the constant interaction.
- Stephanie, a young Observer
married to a Perfectionist
Perfectionists and Observers have much in common. In relationship, they can be look-alikes, at least on the surface. If we think of compatibility as the state of being similar in thoughts and behaviors, then the Perfectionist-Observer pair can be quite compatible. Both value independence, don’t mind working alone, and neither wants feelings to be too important in the relationship.
The relationship will have a practical, well-organized and down-to-earth quality, with both partners working to solve problems as soon as they arise and then to quickly move on. The romance in the relationship will likely be minimal. However, they may both become heavily invested in an intellectual project or cause in which they work together. In this case, they really appreciate each other. Even though Perfectionists are not in the thinking/head center, they can resemble head types, and they can very much appreciate the intelligence and the knowledge of Observers.
A young Perfectionist wrote approvingly of her relationship with an Observer: “We both like separate activities.” A Perfectionist-Observer couple might lead parallel but separate lives, each content with the status quo but with minimal emotional engagement. Eventually this could become problematic. Neither partner accesses anger easily nor likes conflict or fighting. Ones avoid conflict because it just doesn’t look “good,” nor does it hold the serenity they try to attain. Fives don’t find anger a comfortable feeling — it scares them. Thus, when issues occur, Ones and Fives may both simply stuff their feelings. As a result, neither stays current with personal wants and needs. Unfortunately, some Perfectionists and Observers believe that the approach to most problems is to solve them as soon as they arise, all the while neglecting their own emotions. They don’t realize that sometimes the real issue may be being out of touch with feelings, needing to listen and support and not to rush to fix.
Observers don’t want to see themselves as having needs; it’s more comfortable to be self-sufficient and not vulnerable. They have a strong attachment to independence and believe they shouldn’t need anything. Observers who express emotions may see themselves as “whiners.” Perfectionists may feel they don’t have the right to ask for anything, that they don’t deserve to have wants, needs and desires. Remember, the One’s role is to correct and perfect everything that is imperfect in the world; personal wants and needs do not fit into that particular paradigm. Both Types need to be given permission to verbalize their desires and feelings. It is important to note here that when Ones or Fives begin to express anger or say their needs, they begin to make themselves vulnerable, to demonstrate a strong investment in the relationship and an attachment to the other person. This is a positive outcome.
Perfectionists and Observers can benefit from building some vigorous physical activity such as bowling or racquetball into the relationship This will help them to stay more physically, sexually, and emotionally connected.
The relationship will have a practical, well-organized and down-to-earth quality, with both partners working to solve problems as soon as they arise and then to quickly move on. The romance in the relationship will likely be minimal. However, they may both become heavily invested in an intellectual project or cause in which they work together. In this case, they really appreciate each other. Even though Perfectionists are not in the thinking/head center, they can resemble head types, and they can very much appreciate the intelligence and the knowledge of Observers.
A young Perfectionist wrote approvingly of her relationship with an Observer: “We both like separate activities.” A Perfectionist-Observer couple might lead parallel but separate lives, each content with the status quo but with minimal emotional engagement. Eventually this could become problematic. Neither partner accesses anger easily nor likes conflict or fighting. Ones avoid conflict because it just doesn’t look “good,” nor does it hold the serenity they try to attain. Fives don’t find anger a comfortable feeling — it scares them. Thus, when issues occur, Ones and Fives may both simply stuff their feelings. As a result, neither stays current with personal wants and needs. Unfortunately, some Perfectionists and Observers believe that the approach to most problems is to solve them as soon as they arise, all the while neglecting their own emotions. They don’t realize that sometimes the real issue may be being out of touch with feelings, needing to listen and support and not to rush to fix.
Observers don’t want to see themselves as having needs; it’s more comfortable to be self-sufficient and not vulnerable. They have a strong attachment to independence and believe they shouldn’t need anything. Observers who express emotions may see themselves as “whiners.” Perfectionists may feel they don’t have the right to ask for anything, that they don’t deserve to have wants, needs and desires. Remember, the One’s role is to correct and perfect everything that is imperfect in the world; personal wants and needs do not fit into that particular paradigm. Both Types need to be given permission to verbalize their desires and feelings. It is important to note here that when Ones or Fives begin to express anger or say their needs, they begin to make themselves vulnerable, to demonstrate a strong investment in the relationship and an attachment to the other person. This is a positive outcome.
Perfectionists and Observers can benefit from building some vigorous physical activity such as bowling or racquetball into the relationship This will help them to stay more physically, sexually, and emotionally connected.